“I think you have some issues to work out with her” the nurse said, clamping off my friend’s tongue to get the bleeding to stop. She shook her head, giving me an evil look as I sorrowfully explained why it was bleeding. I truly felt horrible, fighting the tears as I apologized repeatedly.
3 hours earlier-
Carefully I knocked on her door, knowing she was home. Her SUV was in the driveway. It was just a matter of whether she would hear me or not. Given that she spent most of her nights writing for ‘The Community Times’, she often slept in most mornings, waking just in time to have lunch. This wasn’t the case today. Turns out, she didn’t have an assignment the previous night, and had planned on doing some early grocery shopping, followed by some self pampering in her sunken bathtub. How did I know this? She said so in the updates on her website.
By the complete shock on her face when she answered the door, I took it that she didn’t know I was in the area, let alone figure that I was even going to drop by. “PLEASE, come in” she invited me, looking somewhat put out that I didn’t give her advance warning. I gathered she might have taken such a warning to prepare herself to look more presentable. I eyed her choice of clothing, or lack thereof, figured she had just finished with her bath, and was planning on changing into something else, until I rapped on her back door.
“What are you doing here?” she asked with a dry, slightly annoyed, yet nervous tone of voice. She should be overjoyed to see me, I thought, crossing my arms as I stepped over the threshold, into her dining room. “Excuse me while I change” she tried walking away, but I stopped her. “No. You’re fine. You don’t need to look fancy for me. Why so irritated?” I asked. “You could have at least emailed or called me. The house is a mess” she answered, gesturing for me to sit at the table.
The chairs were comfortable. Very cushioned, set on wheels. I recalled with a smile how my parents used to have such chairs in their kitchen when I was a child. I used to spend hours rolling around the house, pretending it was a race car. “You didn’t answer me. What brings you here?” she asked again. At a loss for words, I reached out to hug her. “To surprise you of course. It’s been so long since we’ve spoken and seen each other. Would you like me to leave?” I knew she didn’t want me to. I could see in her eyes that she really was happy to see me, and that she didn’t want me to leave. Reluctantly, she shook her head ‘no’, and barely returned the hug. Considering our history, I thought for sure she would give me a better welcome than this.
For about an hour or so, we made small talk. She was obviously being careful about what she was saying, which I didn’t understand. She sure didn’t have any problem speaking freely on the phone or in emails. What was her problem? “Come on. What’s the matter?” I reached out for her hand finally, trembling slightly. Wait. Wasn’t it only women who were supposed to tremble like this? Why was I suddenly nervous? I was just trying to calm her down. “I’m fine” she answered flatly, but accepted my hand rubbing hers. “I’m just trying to figure why me, of all people you need to see this week. Why are you here to visit me?” My face dropped a little, and I think she finally understood that I really wanted to see her. FINALLY she relaxed a little, and returned my friendly gesture with a warm smile, a few tears forming at the corners of her eyes. It was apparent she was doing her best to hold it in.
What else could I do? I was holding her hands in mine for crying out loud. What more was I supposed to do to show her how much she meant to me? Slowly, I pushed my chair closer to hers, and gently reached out for her face, stroking her cheek with my thumb, to show her. She drew in a sharp breath and closed her eyes. One tear trickled down her cheek. “Shh. Come on. Now I feel bad. Please don’t cry” I leaned in and gently pecked her on the lips, wiping the tear away. As soon as I did it, I also was drawing in a sharp breath. Mine was out of surprise and shock. There was something about me she didn’t know. I don’t think I really wanted her to know. She might get strange ideas.
The sudden shocked look on her face told me immediately what she was thinking. “You’ve never kissed anyone, have you?” she asked in a barely audible whisper. Stunned by my own actions, I just wasn’t able to answer. My nerves were starting to build, and suddenly I felt like fleeing. I couldn’t breathe. She was looking at me with a wonder I’ve never seen in her eyes before, and it made me instantly perspire. What the hell did I just start? Now I couldn’t form a single rational thought. What do I do now was the only thing that raced through my head as I held her hands tight. I didn’t want to let go of her all of a sudden.
Sensing the need in my hot palms, she smiled again, the tears disappearing. I wasn’t sure what to make of this smile. It made me even more nervous. My breathing became quick and shallow as she leaned in close to my face, almost nose to nose. “You’ve never kissed anyone, have you?” she asked again. All I could do was shakily answer with a slow motion side to side ‘no’ with my head. Blinking several times while trying to process my answer, next revelation that entered her smart brain was written all over her face. “You’re a virgin?” she whispered again. Why was this such a big deal? “Yes” I answered shaking my head no. Cocking her head sideways, her eyes obviously screamed Make up your mind!. “I mean, not by choice. I’ve wanted to, plenty of times, and have had a lot of opportunity” I swallowed hard, my face burning with embarrassment. The realization that washed over her face spared me from having to admit that I had erectile dysfunction. My whole life, through three major relationships, I’ve never been able to satisfy mine or my partners’ needs.
“But why not kissing? Just because you can’t perform doesn’t mean you have to stop kissing” she said with puzzlement in her eyes. I just figured why bother. “Well, if I can’t do one, why do the other? It’s really quite frustrating” I answered rather frankly. This was none of her business anyways. She wasn’t my partner.
It was as if an explosion happened somewhere in the distance when I heard her offer. At first, I didn’t really comprehend or process what she just asked me. By the fourth time she repeated “Would you like to do a little practicing with me?”, I found my heart pounding up into my throat as my leg involuntarily started to bounce. How, and why was she offering to do such a thing? My brain just walked out the door, leaving me to make a decision I hadn’t really planned on. Do I let her kiss me? I didn’t want to disappoint her, and the look on her face made it really difficult to refuse. All I could do was nod ‘YES’, squeezing her hands once again, in appreciation. She was such a good friend. I shouldn’t feel so nervous about such a small thing like kissing.
What started out as lightly brushing her lips against mine a few times, slowly progressed into a more firm pressing motion. While I got the idea of how to kiss – I do watch television – I wasn’t sure how to respond to her. Soon, a flood of unexpected emotions ripped through my brain, unleashing irrational ideas into my subconscious. I knew her feelings for me, and now, it was apparent I had some for her as well. This wasn’t what I had in mind. I thought she was just going to show me a ‘little bit’. Things were getting carried away. I started to panic as she slowly eased her tongue into my mouth, parting my reluctant lips. STOP I screamed in my head. But she wasn’t stopping. At first, she tasted good. Her tongue was soft and sweet. It made me wonder what she had to eat before her bath. For a brief fleeting moment, I answered her desire, sliding my tongue along hers in a slow, deliberate manner. Time seemed to stand still as I started to feel confused, as if in a drunken state, by how she made me feel. The more I tasted her, the more I wanted.
This was just wrong. I suddenly felt awkward as she reached up with her hands, softly cupping my head, deepening the kiss. At first, a small moan escaped into her, revealing my need. But once my reason returned, I tried to pull away. But she just wouldn’t stop. My only thought was to maybe bite her tongue to get her to quit. It wasn’t working, so I bit harder. Now she was the one trying to pull away as I kept my hold on her, biting a little harder, making sure to get my point across. If she wasn’t going to quit, I’d make her. First she tried slapping my face to make me stop, which only made me bite harder. Now I was angry.
Suddenly I felt pain as she grabbed my balls and twisted. Out of defensive reflex to such an assault, I bit even harder. I could see the tears streaming down her face as I now felt a strange sensation in my groin. She had stopped twisting, and instead resorted to slowly rubbing me in a sensuous manner. I moaned again, this time louder, as I lightened up on my grip, closing my eyes to take in the feeling. This strange feeling that sent hot, twinges throughout my entire body nearly startled me. My eyes flung open as I released her, realizing I had a full blown erection. HOW was this possible? Nobody has ever been able to give me an erection! Staring at the obvious outline through my pants, I stood up abruptly. “What have you done!” I shouted at her, not wanting to look at her. This was all wrong. “I have to go” I stated quickly in an angered tone.
“You made me bleed! How COULD you hurt me like that? I was trying to help you!” she cried out, her words sounding oddly garbled. Horror washed over me as I saw the blood gushing from her mouth. OH MY GOD! I immediately dropped to my knees. “I’m SO sorry! Oh my GOD. What have I done? I didn’t know how to respond to your kissing! I’m being honest when I say I’ve never kissed anyone.” I pleaded with her as I reached for a wad of napkins on the table. As soon as I offered them to her, she slapped my hand away. “You deliberately played me, and hurt me. GET OUT!” she shrieked at the top of her lungs, causing more blood to spurt, this time landing on my shirt. I felt so horrible. I didn’t know what to say to comfort her. So many emotions were in my head, it screwed with my thinking. How was I supposed to know I’d react to her?
“No” I pleaded, not wanting to leave. “You kissed me like that, with your tongue, and I didn’t know how to react. PLEASE understand, and please don’t be angry with me” I begged as she opened the door, motioning with a stiff index finger, pointing at it as if to say GO. “Oh GOD what do I have to do to prove I’m truly sorry? I don’t want to leave. All that kissing… PLEASE! I never meant to hurt you. I LOVE you for crying out loud. Why in the world would I ever want to hurt you?!” I think these words shocked both of us. I guess I sort of knew all along that I did love her, just not like that, or at least I thought I didn’t love her that way. I didn’t know what to think anymore. My head was starting to pound as my heart ached for her. I handed her more napkins, trying to let me help her stop the bleeding. It was no use. I must have punctured a vein under her tongue or something. The blood just kept gushing.
Tears freely fell down my cheeks in shame and sorrow. I really did love her and never meant for any of this to happen. I had to get her to the hospital, and quick. If she lost too much blood, it could be fatal. Like a fool, I drove 90 miles per hour to a hospital three minutes away. Thank God she lived in the city, otherwise – I didn’t even want to think about the otherwise. All I wanted was for her to stop bleeding, and to accept my apologies. I started to fear I damaged what we’ve had in the past. I didn’t want her hurt or angry with me. She was too important to me. Even though I’ve never really expressed it (I suck with words), she was one of the most important people in my life, and I honestly didn’t know what I would do without her.
More tears fell as I slammed the car into park at the front doors of the emergency room. With lightning speed, I rushed to her side of the vehicle and opened the door for her, offering a helping hand, trying to reach out for her elbow. Unfortunately, she jerked away, running to the desk, pointing at her mouth. Without question, the emergency staff immediately took us into a room and started their procedure. First came the needle filled with a local anesthetic, then a team of doctors to try and repair the damage I had done. As I felt her pain, physical and emotional, I broke down in front of the whole team while they cauterized the veins under her tongue, packing her mouth with gauze once they were finished. The whole procedure took about 25 minutes.
Soon, she was resting. Then, I was dragged into an office closest to her room. I was immediately accused of assault, among other things. I tried explaining what had happened, along with offering my weird circumstances, attempting to make them believe I was telling the truth. “How many times do I have to say that I love her?” I nearly shouted. I could see from the distance, through the glass windows that separated her from me, that she had heard me. Tears rolled from her closed eyes.
“Your relationship with this woman obviously needs work. You certainly don’t seem the type to even be in a relationship with anyone, let alone this poor thing. How you could have done such a thing when she offered herself to you is beyond my comprehension. You really should seek some sort of counseling before continuing any kind of contact with her. I suggest you send a lot of flowers in the meantime” was the stern lecture I received while my poor friend rested.
All I could do was nod in defeated agreement.